Jupiter Descending

Much to Admiral Bonesaw's delight, I'm going to give my thoughts on a film I saw recently. Don't worry, there won't be any coherent or intelligent thought involved, just a madness and disdain that most film critics draw from. As I'm sure you must have gleaned from the above title, I watched Jupiter Ascending. I should have known it was going to be bad by the reviews I'd glimpsed and the fact that How Did This Get Made already gave their efforts to this picture. But it was on Netflix and I was intrigued so I threw it on. What else was I going to do early on a Saturday morning? I'd already taken care of my household duties the day before. That is a longer, less interesting story though. It lead me far from my usual routine, which is good, something that I should be seeking to get out of more often. So either way, I put the film on and it starts to play. I'm missing out on critical exposition right away because of how poorly the sound is mixed. I'm not sure if it was how it was put up on Netflix or if that was how the film was originally done but I could not hear the dialogue for the life of me. I turned up the volume on my end until things started to explode during action sequences, which were much longer than they needed to be. At times I was getting bored during them, which is never good. I'm sure the cinematography was great but that's not why dummies like me go to movies (or watch them from their couch). So I'm frustrated from that right off the hop. Then I notice how terrible the make-up looks. I'm sure the artists did what they could to achieve the look the directors and studio were after but it just looked off to me. I'm not sure why, but it took me out of the movie. The overall story was interesting but there were some pretty big leaps in the plot. I'm not sure if critical scenes were cut for time but it seemed to speed and rip through a lot of things. Suddenly she's up to snuff on this vast universe in a short time? And can quote policies? She was a lowly cleaning lady! Anyways, that whole aspect of the story is pretty weird too. One of many aspects of the film that I simply didn't buy. Like her agreeing to a 1/3 to 2/3 split on selling her eggs? Not even an idiot would agree to that! The film was stupid, it missed whatever Matrix style message it was going for, I can only assume it was based on consumerism or something, like I said, no intelligent thought coming out on this end. Overall I didn't care for the experience and would not recommend it to anyone. And the "date" at the end? Why would she go back to that awful life? She's the queen of the universe with wealth beyond compare! At least get a nice house and stop cleaning toilets! Anyways, infuriatedly yours, The Tugboat.