Zakrain
This is backup character I created in case Gorlak dies. It is a much more complex build now that I know a bit of what things are all about.
Read MoreGorlak the Defender
This is the first Dungeons & Dragons character I ever created. The idea came from a backstory I was considering writing for a couple of years.
Read MoreA Family Affair
Explanation: In high school, in the 90’s, I was given an assignment to write a script of something. I found the paper stuffed in a pile of old cards. It is written out, the days before computers. I figured I’d share it here, like I do with things from the past. I didn’t read it before sitting down to type it out, I’m hoping it’s legible and not a disaster that leads me to pull this page down. I’m scribing it word for word, including errors, only difference is that exclamation marks come in like “!” instead of the usual, so watch for that as punctuation. I’ll record the mark I was given with the comments at the very end.
[a Burbank residence, 10:00am]
Bob: Well dear, tomorrow is our 20th wedding anniversary. Isn’t it amazing? We’ve go three wonderful kids and hopefully a million dollar daughter-in-law. I can remember Ronny’s birth like it was yesterday. Where did the years go?
Mary: I know how you feel honey, I just can’t believe it is been that long. The kids are getting so old now, hell Ronny is almost engaged to Billie, she’s even older, like I was.
Bob: Ah, the memories. [sighs]
[Meanwhile at the hourly rate motel]
Ronny: Oh baby, you’re the best $10 I ever spent. You’re a real fine ride. [Holds out $10 bill] Here’s your green now get outta my face.
Whore: Thanks, same time next week.
Ronny: Whatever
[Later at dinner time]
Mary: Ronny, what did you do this morning? You know me and your father worry about you when you don’t come home. [frowning]
Ronny: Shut up, bitch! [yelling then standing] I’m eighteen god damn years old! Sonofabitch anyways! I don’t need this shit! Screw you both! [sits and looks down at food]
Bob: [sarcastically] Oh, I see somebody is over-tired! Were you at the a big party last night young man? [face reddens, yells angrily] If you ever speak to your mother like that again…you still live in our house so you better damn well tell us where the hell you’ve been.
Ronny: [defiantly] Fine, I was at the hotel with an escort.
Parents: WHAT?
Bob: Your little cheating ass better be lying or so help me God….[punches hand] Don’t throw away your chance at millions, fool or you’ll end up like us.
Mary: Yes, Ronny. We think you should get more serious and marry Billie. When she gets the money you’ll be rich too.
Ronny: I do love her, I’ll try [stands and looks determined] I’ll try and win her over!
Bob: You’ll do more than try!
Ronny: I can only do my best
Bob: I’ll fix that! [pounds Ronny to make him a “better” man]
[The next day at breakfast]
Mary: [drinks coffee] I really don’t think that episode yesterday was necessary.
Bob: Damn straight, the boy’s a wussy. He needs to learn to be tough and strong. He can’t take nothing! I’m sick of his big yap always wasting air trying to bullshit.
Mary: [thoughtfully] I think you’re just made at him.
Bob: Hell yeah! I want some o’ that change. If that fool would smarten up we might end up with some.
Mary: Well plum-cake, did you [smiles slyly] ever think of kidnapping Billie and holding that two-bit skank for randsom.
Bob: No shittin’ woman! You’re the brightest ex-whore I’ve ever know. I’m glad I screwed you that fateful Aug 2nd 20 years ago. So we were drunk, who cares. I thank God every day for our meeting that night. I thank him and all the saints that my boys found the mark too. Every time I look at Jeannie I remember and praise the lord.
Mary: [embarrassed] Ah shucks! Ya didn’t need to say that.
[2 hours later - Ronny has been awakened by Thomas in his bed]
Thomas: Me heard Ma and Pa tak ‘bout kid’s naps Bilwee
Ronny: What? For god sake speak clearly, stupid kid.
Thomas: You heared me, bully
Ronny: [thinks, then realizes what’s going on] Holy shit! Did you say our parents want to kidnap Billie?
Thomas: Ya, Ya, Ya! Dat’s old news slow poke.
Ronny: I should…..[looks concerned] do……[looks evil] nothing.
Thomas: me go potty [leaves]
[Downstairs in ten minutes]
Ronny: Good morning everyone. [looks serene and peaceful] I really think you guys should talk to me about some things. I’m confused.
Mary: [Aside to Bob] He knows. Let’s get him in on it. He could help us alot.
Bob: [Aside to Mary] Are you sure the little weasel can be trusted? I mean he cheats on her and lies to us. Who’s to say he won’t swindle us again.
Mary: Ronny, you obviously know our plans. The question is: will you help us?
Ronny: I want half for myself.
Bob: No, you’ll get what you get you little bastard!
Mary: [Calmly] Wait hear him out before you reject. Maybe he plans on earning that much.
Bob: [Aside to Mary] Are you a fool don’t give him the chance to burn us.
Mary: [aside to Bob] It’s like the great quote, “Play your cards one at a time until the deck is gone; then deal again but don’t stack the deck.” If Ronny screws us then we deal again, while he is in the discard pile, capeche.
Bob: [aside to Mary] Capeche. I sure hope you know what you’re doing.
Mary: Ronny, you will do the kidnapping yourself and we will take care of the rest, okay.
Ronny: I guess so!
[Enter Jeannie]
Mary: Good morning Jeannie. How are you feeling? [talks fast, nervously] What are you doing today? Will you need any money? You can use the car. Why not take Thomas out? He hasn’t been to the mall lately. You should take him to the mall. Want some? [looks at cereal]
Jeannie: I don’t want nuthing to do with that little fruit. He keeps yammering on about someone getting kidnapped. [Others look worried] What a dweeb. [Flicks hair] I’d rather watch female mud-wrestling than take him anywhere
Mary: Okay dear, have a nice day. [Exits]
Bob: Yeah, but you can’t use the car. [Exits]
Jeannie: Ronny, do you think they’re acting weird? Where did Thomas learn about kidnaps?
Ronny: I, ahhhh [looks toward door] I got a thing today. Bye. [Exits]
Mary: [Re-enters] Here Jeannie take some of this medicine, I tried and it really does a job on my menstral cramps. [Holds out a bottle]
Jeannie: [drinking from bottle] It tastes good. I can feel tingling, that must mean its working. [touches head] I feel kinda dizzy. [clutches stomach] Ohhhhh! [Dies (Falls down)]
Mary: [aside] There now nobody will be the wiser. [Drags body out]
[Front room at 3:00pm, Ronny, Bob, Mary]
Where’s the others. They should be here, it you anniversary after all.
Mary: I bet Jeannie would love to be here but she had a problem this morning with her cereal and she died.
Ronny: [shocked] what!? Oh, good one, Ma!
Bob: She’s not kidding. Thomas was shocked so we sent him to a home down south. He may not remember anything when he gets back.
Ronny: [Aside] You dirty bastards! You murdered my sister and destroyed my brother. You’re going to pay. No one, I mean no one messes with my siblings. - I’ve gotta go grieve [Runs out]
Mary: He knows. That little shit seemed all freaked out. We might need to off him too. Then we could have all the money for ourselves.
Bob: Good idea. Let’s go get him before he squaks to that bimbo bitch and ruins everything.
[Meanwhile Ronny has gone to a phone]
Ronny: Hello….Billie please……Billie, on Billie please be careful. My parents……..Ya, my parents want to kidnap you in order to exploit you’re father. They killed my brother and sister……just cause they knew, I think I may be next…….Ya, I’ll hold. [Waits] Hello……I need your help……oh, you just hired some assassins…….good……I’ll see you later…..ok………I love you…….Bye. [Aside] There now payback is a bitch ain’t it. [laughs and Exits]
[Burbank house, police and yellow tape all over]
Ronny: What the hell happened [looks shocked] Is everyone all right.
Cop: No, there has been a double homicide and suicide. We found you parents bullet riddled bodies in their bedroom and we found your sister’s body with poison next to it.
Ronny: [Aside] The cops think Jeannie did it. They will never suspect me or Billie. I love her. I’m going to propose to her, right after I id the bodies [laughs]
[In the tropics, on a beach]
Billie: I’m glad we got married. The next thing we should do is get to my parents.
Ronny: [Aside] Oh no, not again
The End
Teachers comments: “I love it! What an absolutely loathesome family. They’re HORRID…..and I like the sicko ending too. Way to go. It’s scary, and I like it. 10/10”
The Legend of Pigman
This story starts in the summer of 2006 but the beginnings of the Pigman can trace its roots back much further than this time. It was August, an average one by the standards of the region. The weather wasn’t far outside of the historical averages, nothing of remarkable note happened in that month in terms of the weather. It seemed for the small Northern village that everything was business as usual. Tourists came and went, travelling up from the big city to enjoy a slice of wilderness, a reprieve from their everyday grind, a mental break from their busy lives. The city has a lot going on but sometimes people just need there to be not a lot going on. They seek a place to unplug and get away from it all, to disengage from the details of the next big thing at work, to calm the tirade of after school activities for the kids. At least on the surface that is what they are looking for, what they get is usually a fairly calm weekend but their lifestyle and personalities can never fully gear down, not in the span of a single short weekend. They end up trying to experience more things than would be considered comfortable in the wilderness over such a short period. After all, they won’t wait for nature to come to them, they are going to nature.
It was no different for a particular group of young men. They all wanted to meet up, old friends looking to reunite for a weekend, to have a relaxing weekend in the woods. They planned to sit around a fire, drink some beers and reminisce about the good old days. It was not unusual for this kind of party to occur in the large park located on the outskirts of the village. It usually ended in frustration and fines for being too loud, but these men had planned for that. They secured an island campsite that was well away from all the other main areas of the park. Even if the rangers wanted to give them a fine they couldn’t. They’d have to canoe over to the island to issue a warning before any fine could be given, and they’d have to do it at night. The young men would see them coming and could make any kind of evasive maneuver to avoid a financial sanction. They assumed that anyone traveling at night would be using a light of some sort to find their way which would make spotting intruders that much more visible. Needless to say, excitement on the drive up from the South was pretty high.
The plant was the biggest employer in the village and it was always hot in August. The steam from the water bath, the heat coming off the blast furnaces, and the many exhaust fans blowing were enough to keep the place warm in the middle of winter, now with the heat of the day factoring into the equation, the place was hot, a sweltering enclosure. The man loved working there in the winter; it was a balmy, humid paradise. But in summer it was unbearable. The personal protective equipment alone was enough to make things uncomfortable. Usually they had air conditioning that fruitlessly battled the heat in the building but it seemed to be less and less effective, especially this August. It was almost as if the coolant needed to be recharged by the company, but they were too cheap or ignorant to concern themselves with it. The workers grew fatigued early and often during their shift. Safety was a concern in this industry at the best of times but when you are expected to work around dangerous chemicals and have the burden of uncomfortable conditions it becomes more dangerous.
Not the entire vacationing group of young men was coming excitedly from the south. Half the group was descending from the North for this wilderness adventure. They had a slightly shorter drive but that lessened temporal period of anticipation didn’t do anything to quell their excitement. Both vehicles of carpooling young men met in the parking lot around the same time. After the customary welcomes, razzing and hugs the young men paused a moment to take stock of their pending adventure. Due to the secluded nature of their campsite, they would have to ferry their supplies and equipment across some open water in a borrowed canoe, their only source of ingress or egress to their hideaway. With careful planning they were able to move all the people, beer, tents, etc across to the island in only a handful of precarious trips. The first few to be left on the island hurriedly claimed spots for tents and scurried to set them up before the light of the day faded from dusk to the dark of a Friday night.
The heat was not comfortable but it could be tolerated. This was not the worst chapter of the man’s life. In fact, only having heat and sweat to deal with was a nice change. It meant the man had a job, a steady well paying job at that. He had kept his head down and avoided notice since he got hired on. It was the easiest way to forget his life before. He needed to put it behind him and move on. The job at the plant was a second chance, maybe a third or fourth chance in reality but he was taking it as new opportunity to repair a broken life. He still twinges with pain when he thinks about all that he’s lost over the years. The wives, the daughters, his house, even his dog. That dog had been with him through the marriages and was really the last vestige of the man he started out as. In those moments when he could drift away he would think about that dog, wonder if it was still alive, and admire its carefree existence. Then, invariably, something would require his attention and snap him back to reality. It seemed like more and more in this heat he would drift away from the task at hand into the comfortable embrace of his fondest memories.
The young men started a fire when the tents were up, ready for the night ahead they wanted to start the relaxing they came all this way for. After a short meal they started opening beers and catching up on their lives. As more empty beer bottles collected in the pile the conversation shifted from current events to past glories. The shared experience in this group was extensive and was able to carry the conversation all the way around the campfire and back again. The light grew low and the bottles piled high as time marched on. Smiles and laughs emanated from the ring of chairs for most of the evening. A lull in the reminiscent conversation offered an opportunity for one of the men from the North to share something more current, a story that was unfolding over the last few days in that part of the world, one of tragedy born from a mishap. As soon as the details were shared another young man turned the conversation back to the shenanigan at the kegger and the laughs rebooted, ringing off the water and across the swamp.
The relentless heat didn’t abate and the flashbacks became more real every day, it had been over a week since they had started. The recurring distraction was a welcome respite from the general despair that lingered on his mind. Maybe that is why the man didn’t notice what he was doing or maybe the heat had just lulled him into a sleep like state, whatever the culprit he was in real danger. He hadn’t even noticed that he had wandered out of the worker area and into the restricted area. It was the alarm bells sounding that snapped his attention back, bringing fear and panic along with it. He was in the most dangerous spot on the floor. He could hear alarm bells ringing all around him, muffled yelling of the other workers through their safety suits. He looked around and tried to see a way to get out. He vaguely recalled what happened in this area of the plant. The safety doors had already closed while he stood indecisively. He could feel a desperation washing over him, he knew he wasn’t going to get out of this room; it was not going to be okay. His heart was roaring in his throat with panic. Darting eyes looking for a way out, vision clouded by fear and sweat. He could hear noise above him and looked up just in time to see what he feared the most.
The sun was well up into the sky by the time the boys awoke. It hung warm and inviting, greeting them as they slowly clambered out of their tents. Today was their first full day and they planned to make the most of it. Half the group wanted to go for a run, a rare chance to get some exercise close to nature doing one of their favourite things. The other half had plans to commune with nature in their own way. Mostly by exploring and gathering firewood from fallen trees scattered in the forest. Before these plans could be enacted they worked on a grand breakfast, fuel to feed the day and wash away the lingering effects of the previous night. There was the usual horseplay and good spirited ribbing. Over the course of the meal the boys recounted the events of the night and reveled in their enjoyment of the morning. A few took time to check in quickly with home and assure their partners or parents that fun was being had. There was a warning that came back from one of the parents about staying safe and remembering they were at the mercy of nature being out there like that. The boys all laughed it off as boys do. The breakfast ended and the day began.
The buzz of fluorescent lights was as deafening as it was bright. The man’s vision was blurry and everything around his head was in pain. Every pore seemed to sing out in agony. Blurry faces appeared but when they opened their mouths he only heard a different type of buzzing. It was as if they were speaking a different language. The pain was too much to allow him to focus his blurry gaze on their lips to try and discern their meaning from there. Frequently the world went dark and what seemed like moments later this grotesque play would open the curtain to the next act. This repeated several more times before the man was able to begin to make sense of what was happening. He was in a hospital and the faces were doctors and nurses. He was hooked up to several machines that he had not noticed previously. As his vision cleared he could see the expressions of the faces, some avoided looking at him, others looked sad when they saw him. He couldn’t understand why. What had happened? He tried to ask them but he couldn’t produce sound above a raspy squeak. Each attempt only deepened the emotions on the faces of his caregivers. They gave him a pad and a pen and helped him sit up. Through the disjointed conversation that followed the man learned from the medical staff that there had been an accident. The man felt like a pail of water had been dumped on him, as despair and dread washed over him. His stomach dropped when they explained the chemical wash he had wandered into had been using acid to clean recycled precision medical machine parts and was much more potent than normal. His appearance had been badly disfigured but otherwise he would recover physically. The distinct use of the term ‘recover physically’ told the man more than he needed to know about the extent of his disfiguration. The doctor continued that they had done what they could to repair his missing nose but so little was left that it was more open than normal. And that his ears were gone so they had done a procedure to create new ones but had to make them higher up on his head to avoid some damaged areas, more procedures would be required to fix them. The skin around his eyes had melted inward so bad that his vision would forever be limited, as if “you forever had blinders on.” This attempt at humour from the doctor snapped something in the man. The despair gave way to anger which swelled to blind rage. Someone was responsible for this tragedy and this man was making light of it. The man’s breathing intensified and he glared at the smile that was awkwardly present on the doctor’s lips. Then everything went black.
The morning had been a blur for the boys. The run had gone great, everyone returned ravenous. The exploring had been fun, it ended in a few minor science experiments with steam powered projectiles. The boys made a quick lunch together and decided they would paddle back to the cars to go visit a local attraction in the afternoon. The dump down the road promised to feature some giant dump bears, which are basically black bears that had grown fat off eating garbage in the dump. They are still dangerous but could be watched from a safe vantage point. The city dwellers had rare chance to see such a spectacle and excitement was high. They piled into the car and found their way to a rocky ledge high above the garbage, the perfect vantage point to see the morose show. They couldn’t drive in to the dump as it was closed so they parked on the road and climbed the fence. The bears crept out of the trees as if on cue and started rummaging around. They boys tossed down some food and trash to watch the bears clamour over to it. It was all very amusing. One of the boys noticed that several bears had emerged from the trees behind them and were walking toward the trash on a path between them and the car. Rather than being scared and trying to escape the situation the boys simply laughed in a carefree manner in a way that only youth can do. The bears continued down the path to join the others and the way was once again clear for the boys, should they need to flee. Long after the bears had departed into the trees the boys did the same, heading back for some fun in the lake and on the beach before the sun began to dip toward the horizon.
The lights were different here. The man knew instantly that he was in a different room. His eyes were blurry but when he tried to wipe them he got a new surprise. His hands were lashed to the bed. His feet were too. Frustration bubbled up and the man tested his restraints by thrashing wildly and squealing loudly. No rational thoughts were connecting within the man’s brain. He was tied and wanted out. If he had stopped to wonder, he might have asked himself why he was restrained, what had he done to deserve this treatment? Instead he could only think of who was responsible, who was going to pay for this. A list was forming; the company was responsible for his accident. Their cost cutting measures had lead to the distracting heat. More specifically, his boss hadn’t properly explained why he should never be in that area. There was the smug doctor who kept him alive after disfiguring him so terribly. He had many more as well. All the faces of the people who had wronged him over the years were swirling by like a carousel before his eyes. He convulsed madly as they circled his vision. The orderlies got too close and he stopped long enough to grab something off the belt of the orderly. In an attempt to tighten his arm they had let it slip free. He grabbed the closest orderly and raked his eyes with the keys he had grabbed. The man collapsed grasping his face, his partner recoiled in horror. That was all the window the man needed. He freed his other arm and when a nurse ran in with a sedative he was ready for her. He turned the tables on her and then freed his feet. One orderly was crumpled on the floor, the other simply stared at the blood and a nurse was down with a needle in her neck as the man ran from the room. He knew he had to escape, to survive, to get revenge.
The boys paddled back to their campsite, happy with experiences of the day. Exercise, laughs, bears, jumping off the cliff known as King Kong. They didn’t know it then but they were laying down some special memories to last through the years to come, until the next time they gathered together. In the moment they were just having a great weekend though. The sun was low in the sky by the time they got back and settled. They started their dinner and revealed previously unmentioned aspects of their day. Tall tales of who had done what that morning started and some laughs were had about the story they heard on the car radio about danger in the area. They shared a meal and cleaned up. The next thing they knew they had started a proud fire and were sitting again in a circle sharing memories and laughs. The beer bottles piled up faster on this night. More than one of the boys could be seen surveying the group with a knowing smile. These were good times.
On any other occasion the open sky and crisp, cool air above him would have been a welcome circumstance. But this time it meant another cold night hunkered down in the damp confines of a seemingly endless swamp. It had been several days since he had escaped the hospital. It had been at least a day since he had been picked up by an unwary traveler on the secondary highway that lead out of the village. The man had been so appalled by his appearance that he had tried to drive away, the man hadn’t enjoyed dispatching him like that, leaving him on the side of the road like garbage. He probably survived the beating but he would never look the same. Things had been more difficult now that he was out in the real world. He hadn’t been able to develop a plan to gain his revenge. He wasn’t sure how to attack the company. He learned from the news station blaring the truck he stole that four people had been attacked at the hospital, so he must have gotten the doctor before he was restrained. The man on the road made five. When the truck had run out of gas, he was determined not to be near it when it was located. He traversed the bush and ended up walking through this swamp. He got tired and slept for most of the daylight hours and was hoping to get away under the cover of darkness. He was angry but also in pain. His head throbbed and he needed food. The pain was a constant distraction that impaired his thought process. He worried he was going insane. In a lucid moment he took stock of what he had done to get here and his actions felt insane, but he couldn’t worry about that, he had to keep going. He thought he heard voices a few times during the day when he stirred but knew that there was nothing in this swamp. Then as darkness fell he thought he smelled food. Just the smell alone caused his stomach to react. He realized that he was ravenous and needed to eat before he could go on. Did he actually smell cooked meat? His mind left him doubting what was real. If only he had some medicine to dull the pain, to let him think clearly. Then he could figure out what he was doing.
The bugs had quieted down for the day, the air was crisp and cool, and the sky was clear and the stars bright. The boys kept drinking but the conversation had trailed off. Only the odd joke bounced off the quiet night. It was very peaceful, the boys probably were about to go to bed when they heard it, a rustling in the trees behind the tents, some twenty yards away. One of the boys who was more knowledgeable in the affairs of nature indicated that it was probably a small animal scurrying about in its nightly ablutions. A few moments of silence calmed the initial concern and soon they were all quietly staring into the fire again. The crackling of the burning wood and the song of the insects was ample to fill the silence left by lapses in conversation. The drowsy, drunk youths were being lulled to sleep until the sound of another branch breaking got their full attention. They strained their ears but heard nothing else, a couple of them laughed it off but all the boys stayed on edge, well as much as edge as they had left after so many beers. It wasn’t long before they heard it again; it was quieter this time and seemed further away the small animal theory seemed validated. The calming crackle of the fire took over, snapping as it burned a fresh log, the insects took up their chorus and the boys started to clean up, ready for bed. Off to their left something started moving quickly through the underbrush, there was no mistaking it this time. It was moving fast and sounded bigger than a small animal. A moment later a creature exploded from the underbrush. The firelight shone off its bright pink skin. Rudimentary pointed ear flaps bounced above squinting beady eyes that sat above a truncated snout that protruded where a nose should be. The creature unleashed a shrill squeal filled with fear and anger as the boys jumped out of their chairs and tried to scramble away. Torn clothing hung from its powerful human frame and revealed a bare-chested man’s torso. The creature chased the boys around the fire, trying to get a hold of one, murderous squealing mixing with screams of terror was all that could be heard. One of the boys stood across the flames from the creature and could make out its face. The face had features like a pig and was painted with rage yet the creature had the body of a man. It was the Pigman.
SB06 Journal
I recently discovered a journal that I had kept during a trip to Spring Break in February 2006. The attendees of this trip were Big Willy Style, Tugboat, Brown, The Beer Guy, Admiral Bonesaw, and Roy. We stayed at a timeshare in Panama City Beach. This was during the period that we didn't really drink so it was a much tamer week than if we'd gone later in life. My writing style was a bit more unpolished in this era as well so try as you might to make sense of these ramblings. Enjoy!
Friday/Saturday
We started our journey at around 6pm EST and ended it around 1pm CST the next day. That adds up to around 19 hours with stops. We crossed the border at Windsor and headed through Michigan. We tried to get some sleep but it was hard to come by. The next state was Ohio. We made our first gas stop and got a taste of the locals. The next state was Kentucky and then Tennessee. We were on I75 that whole time. It was a couple of hours per state. More like three hours. Next came Georgia. I slept through most of Tennessee and Georgia. We stopped in Atlanta for breakfast around seven on Saturday morning at an IHOP. It was loaded with police, fire fighters and paramedics so we figured it would be safe. Alabama was the next state. It can be described as a desolate rural swamp. Most of the towns were badly run down. It seemed to drag on for a very long time too. Then we entered Florida and we cracked the windows for the first time in hours. We were greeted by warm, moist air. The rest of the day was surreal. The awesome scenery and the architecture and everything was overwhelming. Just like you would picture it based on what you see on TV and more. We got settled then toured and got some groceries. We all were asleep fairly early that night. Exhausted from the marathon car trip.
Sunday.
The morning was spent playing mindless games such as shuffleboard, outdoor pool, ping pong and basketball. Roy and I tied at shuffleboard. I destroyed Beer Guy at our modified version of nine ball. The eight, six and seven balls were all missing. We used all the high balls and replaced the nine with the four balls as the finale. It worked well for us only having one cue with no tip. The shuffleboard was good fun. We'll probably play that everyday. We've had several huge barn burner series of ping pong also. The Beer Guy has a tendency of barely beating me at the last moment. We only played basketball the once. We had a four man game of HORSE. Beer Guy took me to the wire but I prevailed. He was running his mouth so I challenged him to a game of one on one, first to three. I beat him. It was not close but we were both winded at its conclusion.
After a morning of good times we decided that we should get out and see some sights. We drove along the beach and also drove the strip of the city. Upon the completion of this adventure, we parked and walked along the beach. Soon found a spot to toss the football around. Some other guys approached us to ask for a game. Turned out they also went to Guelph. As we were organizing the match, more and more guys came running out of nowhere to play. We ended up with an eight on eight match. There was a skirmish involving a drunk and the white-suited Brown. It ended well. We lost terribly which wasn't so bad since most of their team were members of our school's varisty team. After the game, which was very enjoyable, we went to the beach side Hooters for supper. Delicious food, surprisingly. After a nap and a change of clothes we headed off to the largest night club in the USA, La Vela. It was pretty tame because it was the first night. We ran into the football guys again and spent most night listening to the live band. We headed for home around one and hit the hay to get ready for the next day's adventure.
Monday.
We slept in pretty long on Monday. After killing some time with TV, we had our breakfast and showers and proceeded to the outside world. While outside, we dabbled in the parlour games again. We had a huge match of doubles shuffleboard. Brown and the Beer Guy made a voyage to Winn-Dixie Marketplace to procure some delicious foodstuffs. After which, Big Willy and Roy took another crack at the beach. We lounged around all day and had some of the cheap pizza that had been purchased. The evening entertainment included watching the Punisher with Tom Jane. Good action film, good mindless action. After the completion of the film we laughed it up and put a few pictures on Brown's computer. Soon after that we went our separate ways to watch TV, read books or what have you. Sleep followed.
Tuesday.
Tuesday started early with a sweet breakfast. We had a feast of bacon, eggs and toast. It was very, very delicious. After breakfast and showers, we played some more spa games and had a hot tub and swim. After a quick lunch of soup and hammers we headed back to the beach. We set up our base camp and started a game of catch with the frisbee and football. Some people were trying to get a game of volleyball going so we joined in. It was good times. Roy and Brown stayed back at the base camp to take in the sights and sounds of the ocean and crowds. When we reconvened, we decided to bury the Beer Guy in the sand. We used the frisbee to dung out a good hole and the game was a foot. We started with just breasts and testicles. That drew the attention of a passing girl who thought her breasts were larger, after comparing, it was close. She posed for some pictures with our art. After that we started work on arms and legs and other parts. The video of the Beer Guy escaping his sand prison is quite humourous. Once free, Beer Guy wanted to take a hike down the beach, everyone else but me agreed. I laid down and tried to accomplish a goal by falling asleep on the beach. I did it! I was awoken by a John Deere 7820 tractor carrying a hut though. The driver dropped the hut mere feet from me. I was nervous he'd drop it on me but I didn't outwardly flinch. When the gang returned we headed over to Club La Vela for the afternoon festivities. These were to include four hours of free food, free drinks and three contests. This all came free once the $25 cover charge was paid. It turned out to be well worth it. The first contest was the male hard body thing for the ladies. This time was spent scouting out the free food and drink. With our bellies full, we got spots up front for the rest of the show. The next contest was the bikini contest. It was awesome. There were 18 girls entered and pairs dancing was common. Flash photography was encouraged and we had three cameras working overtime. The next part of the show kept the cameras busy as well, the world famous, Wet 'n Wild International Wet T-Shirt contest. Wow. That is all I will say about that. When that was done, we headed back to the hotel to prepare for dinner. Those that needed to shower did so while the others put pictures and video on the computer. We had a viewing party and then headed to Dirty Dick's Crabhouse. Good food, good service. I got a hat and I shirt. Upon returning “home” we had a hot tub and then hit the hay. It was a long and tiring day, the sun must have drained our energy.
Wednesday.
This was to be our last good weather day as forecasted by the news. We decided that we should get all our outdoor activities done and then do other things like shopping when it was raining. Brown and I got a package of hot dogs and headed for the communal BBQ while the others applied ointments to their sun burnt skin. After lunch we decided to hit up the beach and then some out door fun. The sun was clouded out and the air was warm and misty when we arrived. We tossed the football and frisbee around and played in the ocean before striking off. Most of the other spring breakers were at their respective hotels for guests only pool parties. The beach crowd was admittedly sparse. We headed for the strip with a few things in mind. We were going to go on a pirate cruise but we were a week too soon as it didn't open until March 1. Only a couple of us wanted to try parasailing so we decided to play mini-golf and go-carts. The place we ended up only had golf so that is what we did. Big Willy pulled off a huge come from behind win. Next we tried some Dippin' Dots, the ice cream of the future. This lead us “home”. We killed a couple of hours in our room before supper. Supper, as it turned out was an unforgettable experience. We went to Casa de Fogo, a Brazilian spot. It was like a buffer but not. All the salads and sides were setup like a buffet but the main course was unique. Workers came around with huge skewers of meats and things (12 meats total) and offer you some if your card is flipped to green. If it is red then they skip over you. Towards the end of the meal, after turkey, pork tenderloin, bacon wrapped chicken, garlic steak, sirloin, prime rib, sausage, and grilled pineapple I hit up the bathroom to make more room. No, I didn't puke. It was a bit expensive at $19.99 but it was a steal of a deal for us. Brown and Big Willy ate the most, both with pants undone by the end. We all sluggishly headed back for a lengthy lie down. Later in the evening, four of us (not Big Willy or Admiral Bonesaw) headed for the spa. It was wickedly hot and devastatingly painful on sun burns. The pain subsided after a short time. We got the football out and tossed it around the pool before calling it a night.
Thursday.
There were some consequences to the big feed that we had. Some members of the group had a hard time getting moving. In fact, Big Willy didn't manage to stir until after 4pm! He just laid in bed watching films. Brown spent the day between his bed and the toilet. In his defense, he was reading the whole time, in both locations. He has read two large novels in the past few days, usually in the hot tub. The rest of us went about our now seemingly daily routine of pool football, hot tub and sporadic meals. Pool was also played along with ping pong. It rained all morning and most of the afternoon which made the hot tub all the more relaxing. We got soaked but loved it. Around mid afternoon we headed to the Wal-mart Supercenter. They aren't kidding about the name. It's probably the biggest Wal-mart or even department store I ever could have imagined. There was full grocery store an a liquor store inside. This along with all the regular Wal-mart departments including a large tire and lube express. I add these details only because I worked at a Canadian Wal-mart and the differences are massive. It was very interesting to say the least. We all bought some tourist stuff and some food to finish out the week. We'll likely be leaving very early on Saturday so we can get home in decent time which in an advantage for me to finish my paper I've been working on. I'm about half done it. Back to the story though. After Wal-mart, we came back to the hotel and made pasta – 2 pounds of it, for four guys! This is a lot in case you're wondering. After yet another post meal recovery period we headed down to the exercise room. Admiral Bonesaw, the Beer Guy and I shot some hoops and then the Admiral bogged off for a jog. After we put the balls back we hit the spa again. Some laughing it up ensued. When we got back to our room a poker game erupted. I, of course, won the whole thing. And Admiral Bonesaw, of course, was the first one out, HIYO! The Beer Guy, Big Willy and Roy partook of some booze during this time. Sleep followed around midnight. Only one “full” day of paradise remained!
Unnamed Project - Roy
Chapter 1
The rhythmic ticking of the clock on the desk was the beating drum that kept the time for everyone in the office. This clock was no ordinary clock and was in fact a commemorative piece that was given as a reward for successful completion of a management trainee course. The smart mahogany finish that outlined the crisp white face glistened in the sun that poured in through the overhead windows. The dark rich colour seemed the perfect backdrop for the gold plaque that was affixed below the regal hands that circled around the roman numerals like a perpetual wolf chasing a hare, “Congratulations Roy, You Did it in 2004” was boldly emblazoned on the plaque. Roy had never paid much attention to the clock and had just considered it more a rite of passage rather than a feather in his cap. He was on the fast track and he didn’t have the time to stop and appreciate his accomplishments. He didn’t consider it earned, only gained. It wasn’t really that big of a deal to Roy, after all, half the office had completed the course and were as such eligible for promotion. Many people had completed that step but only a few had ever gone on to be promoted. This industry was tough and the hours were simply too much for anyone that had any type of outside of work obligation or social life.
2010 Year in Review
Here is a recounting of some of the major highlights for the boys of the Consulate. Note that Hawk sounds a lot like dock when Microsoft SAM says it.
Consequences
Consequences is a game we play when a group is drinking together. It consists of multiple rounds. The first thing you do is write a man's name. Then you fold the paper over and pass it to your left. Fold it small so as to maximize the space left whilst concealing your contribution. When you receive the paper from the person on your right, you will write a fact about a man, fold, and pass. Next one is a woman's name. Then a fact about a woman. Then you write how they met followed by "he said 'answer'" then "she said 'answer'". After that is "the neighbours thought" and finally your conclusion. The papers are all mixed together and read aloud for the group to hear. I have included the results of the last game for you to see how they can work out to be very funny.
The Dean
Craves pickles and ice cream
Victoria Beckham
Has one normal boon and one weird one
They met during a hoola-hoop competition
He said, “I have to crap!”
She said, “Have you ever seen white asparagus, it looks like a penis”
The neighbours thought “those are definitely screams of pleasure, let’s watch”
Together they massaged each other until one peed their pants.
Adam Banks
Takes one bite out of each hot dog and throws the rest out
Cruella Deville
Pops Zanex until she passes out every night
They met while operating microphones on the set of a porno film: Forrest Hump
He said, “we’re gonna have to put it down”
She said, “Take your hat off and say it again”
The neighbours thought it’s about time those two got together
Together they sold drugs out of a school bus.
Jack Layton
Goes surfing everyday
Aunt Gemima
Eats marshmallows while doing hot yoga
They met while walking on the sun with Smash Mouth
He said, “I can’t make bigger, it’s all I’ve got. Why do you need me to have a big belt anyways; you some kind of pervert?”
She said, “It feels so good when that happens”
The neighbours thought “phewf, they can’t pregnant with her on top”
Together they played twister under the moon-light listening to Queen.
Marc Anthony
Has 3 weird freckles on his dick
Betty Rubble
Only wears black when she is happy
They met at a Star Wars convention
He said, “Girl, I love those purple cheetah leggings”
She said, “Not until I lubricate the engine!”
The neighbours thought, “what a bunch of common idiots”
Together they built a sweet fort…..in heaven.
Chase Phillips
Breaks glass with his dick
Lesley Fong
Stays home watching Oprah
They met in the back of a cop car (featured on Campus Police)
He said, “I want to shuck your corn cob”
She said, “Well I never in my life have heard such filth”
The neighbours thought they banged too much, then not enough. But they were lunatics anyways.
Together they attempted to make magic happen.
Sidney Crosby
Ribbits when he gets drunk
Beyonce
Walks on a tight rope made of dildos connected tip to tip
They met at an orgy thrown by Prince Harry
He said, “I ate a whole pizza for breakfast!”
She said, “There’s nothing illegal about this, we’re second cousins”
The neighbours thought “I’m never shaking his hand again”
Together they invented toaster stroudles and made millions.
Tom Cruise
Wastes time swimming in sewage pipes
Beyonce
Strips on Tuesdays for some extra makeup money
They met in divorce court
He said, “I bet I could fit both boobs in my mouth!”
She said, “I’ve never felt this way before”
The neighbours thought blow up dolls were just a gag gift
Together they killed the nosy, thinking neighbours.
The Man in Yellow
Liked to ballroom dance
Caroline
Loves to sing Madonna
They met chaperoning a high school dance
He said, “Your butt makes pigeons cry”
She said, “I heard that men like that kind of thing”
The neighbours thought, I hope their house blows up soon.
Together they discovered a new sex move that saved mankind forever.
Spencer
Plays in bed with his kittens
Mariah Carey
Loooooooves chocolate
They met at a pumpkin patch for special kids
He said, “I can fit my whole fist in your mouth”
She said, “Your prosthetic penis doesn’t bother me”
The neighbours thought Alex Trebek is a sexy motherfucker! Everyday of the year!
Together they blasted each other with sparkling white wine zorks!
The Pillsbury Doughboy
Walks amongst the dead
Don Ciccio’s wife
Kick boxes everyday at 6:23pm
They met on plenty of fish
He said, “Don’t squeeze it too hard or I’ll ruin your snowsuit.”
She said, “ha ha haaaaaa, you’re ducked!”
The neighbours thought it would only last until Xmas, then it went well past Easter. They were so bummed.
Together they went and joined the mile high club.
Pigman
Likes taking brisk walks
The white witch of Jamaica
Enjoyed singing to her dogs
They met while skinny dipping
He said, “Hey! Nice cabbages, if you know what I mean….”
She said, “Alphabet soup! That’s dangerous!”
The neighbours thought that the food processor belonged in the kitchen but they are old fashioned.
Together they built sandcastles.
Anthony
Moves to music gracefully
Miss Piggy
Licks her cats sequentially
They met while hunting the same river monster
He said, “Wow, what an amazing noise!”
She said, “Why thank you!”
The neighbours thought, “these motherfuckers are crazy”
Together they cauterized all wounds, big and small.
John Lennon
Eats summer sausage sensually
Derek McDonald (he’s gay)
Guzzles Big Gulps full of seminal fluid
They met while he was robbing Mac’s and she was buying smokes, condoms and cookies.
He said, “mmm bop, dipado wa dowap mmm bop, don’t you just love Hanson?”
She said, “I’m open for it if you are….”
The neighbours thought. “Do you think they’re swingers?”
Together they built a rocket ship made of dildos and blasted into space.
Scotty Pippen
Has testicles like grapefruits
Celine Dion
Likes it better when she’s wasted
They met on the set of a Meatloaf music video
He said, “What’s new pusscat, whoa, whoa, whoaaaaa?”
She said, “When you said that it turned to Niagara Falls down there! Sploosh!”
The neighbours thought they needed a cleaning lady
Together they played drink sticks with their genitals.
Mr. Bean
Is gayer than a Broadway musical
Stephanie Tanner
Was always DTF in winter
They met at a murder scene, she was the victim
He said, “You look good in my shirt”
She said, “I am not going to do THAT to your butt”
The neighbours thought “we need to get in on that action”
Together they opened a tanjelo farm and rejuvenated the grilling orange business. Until he died of full blown aids.
Morgan Freeman
Hates girls who don’t bang on the first date
Charity
Could only “finish” if new born kittens were present. Newborn in the last week.
They met on the Dumbo ride at Disney World
He said, “Stop laughing! Don’t they all look like this?”
She said, “I don’t care if it hurts, I want all of it!”
The neighbours thought, “How is that even possible?”
Together they made a kid but fucked it up pretty bad, in all the ways.
Reginald Chartreusse
Owns waaaaay too many cactus dildos
Julia Childs
Forages for food in dumpsters
They met while picking strawberries (nude of course)
He said, “What in God’s good name is that?”
She said, “Get a vasectomy or get the soup strainer.”
The neighbours thought, “must be a full moon tonight”
Together they fed each other freshly picked strawberries while watching Power Rangers.
Jiminy Cricket
Had sex with a dude once, in college, he thought it was a girl
Elizabeth Taylor
Wears men’s underwear under her clothes
They met behind a mobile porno truck
He said, “If you have a problem, yo, I’ll solve it.
She said, “I scream when it hurts, do it until I need a wheelchair”
The neighbours thought, “I wonder how they keep their lawn so green?”
Together they lived happily ever after.
James Bond
Sucks on tootsie pops imagining they are women’s toes
Hilary Clinton
Would be beautiful if she didn’t have chronic diarrhea
They met on the grassy knoll (wink, wink)
He said, “I have a car and a functional penis. The dick pills are just in case”
She said, “Call me, maybe.”
The neighbours thought, “I’ve never seen a back massager used like that!”
Together they made love under a KFC sign.
Giseppi
Pees the bed every night
Felicia Osterhousen
Is always drinking cranberry juice…..for some reason
They met at the Lego movie
He said, “This is great! Except for your stench”
She said, “let’s see if we have enough power”
The neighbours thought, “Good for them, good for them” (slow clap)
Together they cured cancer by drinking
2015 Plunger Toss Recap
I will attempt to recap a storied, Cinderella story of four boys who started a tournament that captured the hearts of a town and were ultimately crowned with trophies, adoration, and accolades as men and heroes.
Round Robin Play
The round robin went by very quickly and very methodically. There is nothing of note to remark on here. The wins came very easy and a strong system of play was unwittingly developed by a casual suggestion for the tossing order. The first two launchers would hunt the bowl in search of ringers and points and the last two would go for the easy points and defense. This aggressive offense meshed with stalwart defense lead to big and prolific victories. Most in double digits, several as much as thirty points. Not much was expected from team E-Bowl-a that day but quietly they found themselves seeded atop the bracket upon the morning's end heading into the playoff rounds.
Round One
This round was against a much lower seeded opponent. Four middle aged women (average) who were quite drunk. The were actually very drunk. Dangerously and recklessly drunk. One woman insisted she was better if she threw overhand. At the end of one end she thought she needed to get up higher so stood upon the cold, slippery porcelain pot. Upon releasing her plunger overhand she lost her balance and fell from a height. We thought she was going to snap her leg like a twig when it appeared to get lodged in the bowl during her tumble but she was drunk limber and popped up without a second thought, laughing hysterically. The team of destiny took this round 29-2.
Round Two
This was the beginning of the dramatic fireworks that seemed to follow our heroes throughout the rest of the tournament. Spirits faded quickly in this match-up as the opponents went up 30-2 in the first two ends. This is an insurmountable deficit to overcome on most days, but this was not most days. Chipping away with timely ringers and closing down their opponents with staunch defense, the darlings of the town found themselves in a tight situation down to the last throws of the final end. A nail bitingly close count at the final horn found our heroes ahead 34-32. It is unconfirmed to this point but it is likely the greatest comeback in plunger toss history.
Round Three
The boys met a team in round three that was methodical and experienced. They played for points and did not taken unnecessary risk. This was a back and forth battle defensive battle. The force cups would not collect in the bowl for either squad until the back half of the match. The opponent squad drained a dramatic drop from heaven and stood staring at a ten point advantage. That was until the Tugboat toed the line. Impossibly he dropped his plunger on top of theirs and negated their ringer. This clutch defensive effort saved the match from getting away. After another fruitless end, the unknown outsider Tugboat fired another bowl buster and it was over. Despite the opponents attempting to hustle in an additional end after the horn, it stayed over. Team E-Bowl-a outlasted their opponents by a score of 13-9 in another heart wrenching triumph.
Round Four
Another tight battle awaited our heroes in the fourth and second to last round. The semi-finals was much like the previous round with ringers taking a holiday. A couple were exchanged but both teams were in a dead heat moving toward the horn. Our boys were down a couple but tied it up just after the horn. Mass confusion ensued as a winner was required. There was also a fracas on the adjoining sheet as the two teams became heated over a call. All this madness calmed and it was determined that both teams would select one player to toss one plunger, closest to the bowl advanced. The rink was ringed with fans, only three teams remained and after two quick tosses, there would be but two. The plungers soared through the air on the way to determining one team's fate. As luck would have it, the force cup closest to the bowl belonged to the team of destiny. This was the closest and most thrilling victory.
Championship
The near altercation of the previous round had left the opposition rattled. Nerves where also weighing on everyone's mind, well almost everyone. The unknown, outsider, lone gunman, Tugboat was unshaken showing an indifference and in-deference rarely seen during such a harrowing occasion. The local lads had stomachs tied in knots and knees that were shaky at best. Filled to the brim with adrenaline the finals commenced. The offence showed up early with an authoritative ringer in the first end. The rest was just putting in time until the horn rang out like a warning to the townsfolk that a new champion had been crowned after a 13-2 masterpiece.
Celebration
After the obligatory photo shoot with the winners and the trophies, the men made their way through the throng of onlookers who had gathered to witness this moment in the history of a town, the history of a sport, the history of a nation. Handshakes, hugs, high fives, and pats on the back were the only things that slowed the historic victory march at this point. Strangers united in adoration poured their accolades upon the men. Passing vehicles stopped to offer congratulations. It was a spectacle that is rarely seen in sport today. The amount of goodwill and sportsmanship was almost overwhelming. The trophy made its rounds that night. This author can't rightfully account for all the hi-jinx that befell it that night as he was absent from this point on but that trophy was well traveled and the celebration raged into the night. Long live the 2015 Alma Plunger Toss Champions!
China Memoirs
Chase Phillips visits the Land of China
The Flight – August 9, 2009
Everything just seemed to be too easy. We waited in lines for short periods but otherwise just breezed right though the whole experience of the airport. I even tried to create a more memorable scene by leaving all of the metal on me to go through the metal detector. The guard was in good humour and nothing happened. We walked and explored away the ninety minutes that were were confined to the terminal and even ran into some familiar faces (Alison & Crosby). When it came time to board the plane, all the Asians got up and swarmed the front not realizing that we do things in an orderly fashion here. Instructions were provided in their native tongue but no regard was given to them. This would be the first of such instances.
We eventually boarded and I discovered the true nature of my seat placement on the plane. Recall, this was my first flight. I was seated in seat 38J, the middle seat of my section. (Row 38 = XXX XXX XOX where the O is my seat) We had all the amenities of the international flight; head rest monitors, free food, free drinks (all types), much needed leg room, blankets, pillows, headphones, etc. I can only assume that these perks are not standard fare for all flights. The take-off was mildly fun. I got to feel the rush as the engine roared only send the plane hurtling down the track and then as the wheels lifted off the ground and I became airborne for the first time. Next came the popping of the ears as I ascended ever higher until we reached our cruising altitude of 35000’. That was followed by the uneasiness of the stomach and the psyche when we hit that first patch of good, solid turbulent air. All in all, it was a bit stressful but also a bit exciting.
I just tied into the movies after getting myself settled and receiving my inferior headphones. I used the free Air Canada ones despite the warnings of their awfulness. I wanted to get the full experience and decided to judge them myself. “They” were right…. The first movie I watched was ‘I love you, man’. Just as funny as the first time I saw it. Next was the “The Watchmen”. I tried to sleep afterwards but my mind would have none of it. So I watched “Coach Carter” instead in honour of Buhold. Next was the first “Transformers” movie. I was only interrupted by the frequent small meals and snacks. There was a drink after take-off, then some ‘chips’, which were actually small corn tubes flavoured with chili flakes and lime juice, not great. Another round of drinks later then lunch which could be either chicken or pork accompanied by multiple pre-packaged micro-waved goods. I took the chicken and my third beer at that point. Then there was a round of these plastic wrapped half sandwiches (two ‘meat’, one cheese; none with condiments. These were joined by a bowl of Mr. Noodles and some fruit. Only chop sticks were provided and my skills served me well. The supper came two hours from Beijing. Chicken or pasta – I took the chicken again, only this time it was curry chicken, nowhere near as good. It also came with the same ‘sides’ as the previous courses. A final beer and that was it, but I digress.
The next thing I watched on the flight was three consecutive episodes of the Office then some Big Bang Theory. Our plane had landed at this point but at the wrong airport. We had to circle due the weather and thus caused us to need additional fuel. We landed about eighty miles away to accomplish this goal. During this break I slept, actually I simply drifted in and out of consciousness while circled. Just before we departed to go back to the only place we could land and de-place, I decided to watch “Adventureland”. I didn’t quite make it all the way through before we arrived in Beijing.
We got off the plane, found Gary and the other two Canadians and made our way through the airport. Customs was just one guy standing beside a metal detector that was unplugged. They made a big deal of infectious disease and we had to pass through a bunch of masked security agents. They take it pretty seriously over there. We got to the parking lot expecting it to be fairly empty after the long delay. Four hours usually results in your ride giving up and moving on. Not these people, they were excited to have us there. They brought the five of us and our bags in a Buick van (they do exist) to Gary’s hotel. He received flowers and they filmed the whole thing. Mark and I followed a conference volunteer to find our hotel. An ultra sweaty walk saw us make a huge circle to end up there. Our room was sensational as the photos will bear evidence to. We each had a shower in our own bathrooms and then both went straight to sleep. My head swirled with the ideas of the wonderment to come.
Day II – Monday, August 10, 2009
Both of us woke up unnaturally early. We hung around our room and got prepared to meet the day head-on. Our great hotel had provided us with coupons for breakfast and we headed down to the third floor eatery. The buffet setting for breakfast was phenomenal. There was bacon, eggs, sausage, fried rice, noodles, fruits, dumplings, meat buns, other stuff I’d never heard, breads, juices, and coffee. We each had two plates before embarking to find the Beijing International Convention Center. After a few wrong turns and some sketchy hallways we found it as well as the all important registration desk. This is where we hit our first snag of the trip. Apparently my Visa pre-payment for the locals tours that coincided with conference had not been processed. This was concerning as it was included in the registration fee for the conference itself which had been processed. We made inquiries and then got my registration number from the general conference registration desk and discovered that somehow they never charged me for the tours. Alas I forked over the 320 RMB (aka rumbas) that was needed. With this taken care of we stopped to wait for the tour to begin.
While circling the lobby like an airplane looking for a spot to land, we ran into a neat dude from Virginia Tech, Dave. We struck up a conversation with him to pass the time before loading the bus for our day long adventure. This loaded bus then drove us for half an hour to our first of several stops. During the bus ride our guide for the day, Ava (English name), gave us some background knowledge of what were going to see and why these places are important. As we neared our first stop she went into a long talk about the history. The stop was the something or other Jade Factory of Beijing. It was an impressive building which afforded us our first encounter with the large guard lions. There are pictures to mark the occasion. We were quickly herded inside and introduced to our boisterous tour guide. She was a petite little girl who never gave her name, only instructed us to follow the elephant. She had a plush elephant on a stick that Ava had given her. She ran us through the carving rooms and showed us impressive carvings before leading us to a side room. In this area she again presented many fantastic carvings and then began to show us how to tell if jade is of good quality. She explained the importance of jade to the Chinese people and where that importance was rooted. After completing her enthusiastic and repetitive talk she ushered us out into a gift shop of grandiose proportions. This was a massive hall of mirrors and lights that had a coating of thousands of jade carvings covering every surface. Small price tags adorned each of these. My eyes opened pretty wide when I started looking at the price tags. I was not used to the conversion rate and figured that the measly two thousand RMB that I had brought would be gone quickly if I started buying here. So I did the next best thing. I started taking pictures of the carvings that I thought I would like to have or would make nice gifts for my friends and family. We were given almost an hour in the gift shop in hopes that we would break and end up buying a small statue or some jewelry. My frugality held strong and I escaped unscathed.
We re-loaded the bus and continued our voyage. This leg took us approximately forty five minutes. We arrived at the Great Wall around ten o’clock local time. We were told that we had two hours to explore the ins and outs of the wall and that there was an easy side and a hard side. Mark and I naturally chose to climb the much harder steep side. It was a poor choice for me. By this hour the heat had risen well over thirty five degrees Celsius and there was no breeze to give shelter against the stifling humidity. The wall looked beautiful from the bottom, like a river of humanity flowing upwards towards the peak of the mountain. We bought some touristy water and took off up the wall. My best description of it has to be that it was like climbing up a ladder with horribly uneven rungs that was set at about a twenty degree angle and extended up over a half mile. After the first third I was starting to feel the heat and my lack of conditioning quickly became apparent. I made it up to the next checkpoint and then could take no more. MacDuff continued up to what he felt was the summit but I had to shamefully bow out of our quest and slink down the hill amongst a crowd of small children. My elongated rest period at my personal wall summit afforded me the chance to take several great pictures of the wall stretching out in the distance like a lazy snake heading over the horizon. After my descent I realized that I had too much time to waste simply recovering so I had to fill it. There was a small town at the base of the climb that I felt warranted exploring. There was no one around and I felt even more out of place as ventured in and out of small shops. The shop-keepers were having a lunch which they quickly abandoned due to my presence. They would follow me around the stores suggesting things they felt that I needed, sometimes desperately. Uncomfortable is an understatement of how it made me feel. I eventually reached the peak of the hill-side town and photographed the temple that rested there. It was a strange experience to be in a town that seemed to be abandoned on the outside but so uncomfortable on the inside. I made my way back down to the tourist area and bought a couple of trinkets for Derek and Philip. The price was right but I would later find that you get what you pay for. I was one of the first ones back on the bus to enjoy the air conditioning. Mark made it back on time, much sweatier than the last time I’d seen him. We were slightly delayed in our departure due to a couple of stragglers that felt the need to get to the top regardless of time. Once Ava had us all rounded up we struck off for our lunch destination.
We drove back towards the Jade Factory and made a different turn off the roundabout. She told us a story about a Chinese hero that had overthrown the establishment and set forth a mandate of peace only to be assassinated forty odd days later. I will forever refer to this character as the Chinese William Wallace. Our short journey ended at the Yulong Friendship shop. This is small tour through an art production factory that culminated in time being spent in a lavish and large gift shop. The only difference, outside of the wares available, was that there was a satisfying lunch sandwiched between the tour and the shopping. This lunch would have a number of first time experiences for me. One was my first encounter with Chinese beer. The other was with the only thing that I could not and would not eat. It was a mystery soup that was served along with the lunch meal. I tasted it and tried twice to eat it. I failed both times and ended up leaving it behind. This would mark the only such occasion. The beer, on the other hand, was fantastic. Mark and I ordered seconds; this was how we first met the Austrian. He was a very excitable man that proved to be friendly and hilarious somehow. We three were among the last to leave the meal and hit the shop. Again, it was filled with over-priced garbage. The bus was re-loaded and we made for our third and final destination.
After circling the Chinese William Wallace again we took yet another route off the roundabout. We were headed for the famous Ming tombs this time. Ava provided us with a wonderful history lesson on the place before we arrived. She was able to point out all the landmarks and sights associated with the tomb. Modern society has grown up around this holy place but it still maintains a historical air as well as one of mystery. We slowly made our way through the various buildings and courtyards. Ava tried to keep us together but we all separated in the crowd. I marched solo through the whole place and took way too many photos. On my way back to the bus I had to stop to use the toilet and on the way back from that experience I did my first bargaining. I had my sights set on a jade elephant and I did not see any price tags as before in the large stores. I asked how much it was worth and was greeted with a number entered into a calculator. I scoffed and started to move on but was stopped and shown another lower number. At the time I had no idea that this was the game played by all merchants in China so I just kept walking. I could have whittled the price down if I had known but there would be time to learn the dance of market. I was among the first back on the bus again having grown tired of the Tombs. MacDuff was not far behind and we settled in for the hour long ride back through the rush hour Beijing traffic.
When we returned we decided that we should go and complete our registration for the conference and get everything taken care of. After a short wait in line we had all our material and were on our way back to the hotel to prepare for the opening reception dinner to be held outdoors for some reason on a lawn across from the convention center. We showed up several minutes late and quickly found some of the other Canadians. We ate, we drank, we laughed. Just before we were going to leave we encountered Gary. He introduced us to a previous student of his, Sheila. She would fit seamlessly into our little rag-tag group of Canadians. I followed some of the OSG people to a supermarket where they taught me to buy beer in China. I returned with a bounty of beverages and we shut it down for the night at around eleven local time.
Day III – Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Tuesday marked the first day that either of us had any real responsibility so we decided that an early wake up was necessary. Whether or not six o’clock was too early was not discussed and that is when we rose on the strength of our wake up call. We prepared for the day and went down for breakfast. Mark had to present his poster on this morning but did not dress for the occasion, more on that later. The breakfast was not exactly the same as the previous day but was very similar. After our meal we made our trek over to the Convention centre to the exact spot we had ventured on the previous morning. Mark had to speak with the ladies running the tours about getting his money back for a tour that he was slated to be on for that day. His poster responsibilities interfered with that plan. In the end he was unable to secure any money back but they were able to switch him into a tour later in the week so that he could fulfill both his professional duties as well as his social. With this settled he headed for the poster area with oodles of time to spare. We crossed paths with Amy and she ripped into MacDuff’s attire pretty hard. I was satisfied to stand pat and let him learn his lesson the hard way as I had the previous year. I took this hard line because it was a lesson that I will never forget. Under dressing will never be a fault of mine again, I assure you that. So after getting ridiculed Mark decided that he would go back to the hotel and change into something else. I assured him that I would put up his poster and wait by it just in case. With our plan set, he took off and I walked through exhibits. It did not take long for him to return in dress clothes and to take control of his poster. We walked through the exhibits and came across the Canadian soybean booth which was stocked with several people that we knew. We stopped to chat and then we all headed off to a presentation that Gary was giving in the first of the day’s sessions. After his talk we dispersed and attended various talks in our areas of interest. It just happened that Mark and I met up again just before lunch at a great talk on glyphosate resistance. We had lunch at the conference using our food tickets. It was a large buffet style meal that had as much variety as any Westerner could want.
The lunch crowd did manage to baffle us though. It was explained to us by an American professor of Agronomy from Missouri that the Chinese people all scramble to eat at the same moment then ten minutes later the room clears. We would see this daily at the conference lunches. With that mystery solved I set my mind to thinking about how to solve the internet in our hotel room. I faded in and out of various talks in the afternoon but my mind continued to wander. Finally I could take it no longer, as well as the talks that interested me became too scarce to bother with, and I headed back for Dragon Mountain (which is what we had started calling our room). I also was looking to have a short nap to help me recover from the time change and the furiously busy previous day. I camped in front of the television/computer monitor and tried various things. As it turned out, we needed to be using the TV remote as well as the keyboard. Also, Mark had selected Chinese instead of English. Once I changed us over to a language we could understand, getting on the internet was much easier. With this mystery solved I was able to finally doze off. Mark came back just ahead of supper time and woke me up.
We rendez-voused with a large number of the Canadian contingent and used our food tickets to enjoy a meal at a local cafeteria that was located near the Convention Centre. We were given a special debit card with 100 RMB on it to use by the conference as part of our orientation pack. We had a wild meal that included beer. Istvan was there and decided to buy us all beer. Some of the OSG people also ponied up some beer to the grad students. It was long until the Chinese feeding frenzy had ended and the cafeteria was shutting down. We were asked to leave and all decided to head up to Dragon Mountain. This would be the first of several occasions that we could proudly show off our room. We had bought more beer on the way back and this was enjoyed by all. Many stories and laughs were shared until the crowd fizzled out around midnight. It was a good day that showed an enjoyable mix of both professional development and great social interaction. The next day held much of the same promise.
Day IV – Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Mark and I slept in all the way to 6:30am on Wednesday, not sure if the booze had anything to do with or the wear and tear of traveling to a different nation. I’m assuming that it was the travel and climate adjustments. We were quicker to dress and prepare today as neither of us had any real obligations to the conference. We descended to eat at seven. Again the food was slightly different but on the whole it was identical.
We managed to make it to the opening lecture on this day, which would turn out to be our most professional day of the entire experience. The opening talks were fairly boring and the only reason we stayed for the second half was because the speaker had a wicked accent that drew us in. He was a fantastic orator. After these opening lectures we started jumping around to talks that interested us. We had previously scanned the book and mapped out our day during breakfast. Once the interesting morning talks had dried up I ventured on in the poster area to peruse the posters of the day. Nothing really jumped out at me. The sad truth was that I had some questions for some authors but no one was around to answer them. That was one of several disappointing parts of the experience. After this I conveniently ran into Mark and Michelle at the Canada booth and we decided to off for lunch at the conference. Again it was buffet style and many of the trays were the same. The food was terrific don’t get me wrong and I don’t usually need variety but this cuisine was starting to get old to me. We had a terrific meal. Mark and I sat with our Austrian friend and one of his European colleagues. We discussed some type of movement to make industry more involved with the environment as well as government. It was an interesting talk.
After lunch had concluded we walked back with some fellow Canadians and Sheila hatched a scheme that we would go off for a feast that was not put on by the conference. I guess I was not the only who was craving the spice of life, variety. We planned to go out to a restaurant called Southern Beauty. Who knows what it was called in Chinese. Once the plan was hatched we all went our separate ways to talks of interest. We reconvened for Michelle’s lecture on identity preserved soybeans in Canada. It was preceded by a long winded speaker from Argentina who was very informative. After the talk we all scattered. I decided that was enough for the day and retired to Dragon Mountain. I feel into a very devastating nap. MacDuff roused me at seven to go to the neighbouring hotel to meet our compatriots. We met up with a large portion of our Canadian contingent only to discover that an alternate plan had been developed. Lin, who is originally from China, had been invited to dine at her friends. The problem with that was that her friends had invited the entire group. To satisfy both parties a split was made of our group. Mark, Sheila, Alison and I went downtown and the rest went off with Lin.
We took a cab to the hotel or mall or whatever it was. After aimlessly wandering in a vain attempt to locate the place we stopped to ask directions. That proved to be fruitless as well. We finally took a chance on a side alley and there it was. We were greeted very enthusiastically. This was no regular restaurant. It was designed and catered to very wealthy Westerners. We were mistaken for rich people. It was fun. We were lead into a back room that was set up for our entire party. There were many people with headsets all ready to cater to our every whim. Both we and they were disappointed when we told them of our change in plans. We were escorted to a smaller table that call only be described as being in a sunken pod. It had overstuffed plush walls and was very fancy, far classier than we were used or deserved. The menu was a picture book which was very helpful considering that none of us spoke, let alone read, the language. We selected a variety of dishes that appealed to us and we were off. A few of the dishes were a shot in the dark but we were supremely confident that they would be palatable enough to consume. We were more than right. Only one dish was a cause for concern due to its chemically warm nature. I did all I could to eat the “spicy dogfood” but it got the better of me. We all ate our fill and negotiated the bill (tips are not accepted there) and were ready to depart. Well almost ready, the girls needed to freshen up in the lavatory but came back moments later filled to the brim with the giggles. We were instructed to use the facilities with out asking questions. We found a very unique situation that cannot be properly described. It has to be acted out. A very unique situation though for certain.
After a failed attempt at getting Chinese Dairy Queen we exited the complex and tried unsuccessfully to hail a cab. It was all very confusing and frustrating. We started off on foot to try and find a better location to obtain a ride home. Nothing was working. Then we had a change of heart and upon realizing that we were within striking distance of both the Forbidden City and Tiananmen Square. There were lines of cabs but none were willing to transport us there for a reasonable rate. This angered us and fuelled us to walk there. It was only about a mile of so. We walked through some strange areas. We came upon a large storefront that was very well lit and had a floor covered in a thick layer of straw. If the middle of all this was a futon. On that futon was a Chinese man sleeping with a blanket covering key areas. It was assumed that he was nude. This both confused and concerned us. The giggles that had overtaken the girls re-surfaced with a vengeance. Many beggars were encountered along this stretch of road as well. They are very persistent and grabby in China. They touch you and it made me feel quite uncomfortable. The experience with the one eyed lady and the child was very off-putting. We eventually made it to our destination on foot.
When we arrived everything was shut down for the night and security forces had taken the place of tourists. We took several photos in front of the Forbidden City and Mark and I tried to emulate the facial expressions of the infamous Mao. I won. We then turned our attention across the roadway to the large empty space that is Tiananmen Square. We had to cross under the road through a well lit but otherwise desolate tunnel. There were security guards down there but the whole atmosphere made me rather uneasy. My guard was up and my fists were clenched, ready for a confrontation. There would be none though. We took some photos that probably didn’t turn out well and then headed back across the street. We decided to walk and attempt to hail cabs as we went. Only Sheila had any geographical knowledge of the area due to a previous trip. She assured us we were walking the right direction. During this walk we sort of split into two groups. Sheila and Mark walked on ahead while Alison and I laughed it up in the rear. This circumstance afforded us an interesting encounter. A group of youngish Chinese women approached us and asked to speak with us. After exchanging pleasantries in excellent English they asked us to accompany them for a drink to continue to converse. They told us they had just finished exams and wanted to celebrate. I could relate to that but my small town instincts told me to beware and I began to assume they were prostitutes. I was very evasive when they asked where we were staying and if we would go with them. We shut them down and it was a good thing too. Sheila later told us that there were trying to run the tea scam on us. As the intenet explained further, they bring you to a tea house for a drink. A pot of tea is served and consumed and up its completion they disappear in the night and leave you with the bill. Not so bad, except at the tea house they bring you to the bill is over $4000 USD. That is more than I would pay. I said I was not concerned, what little Chinese man could strike fear into my heart after all. I was a walking giant among them. But alas the nefarious characters that force payment carry weapons such as swords, guns, and ninja knowledge. So all in all it was good that I thought they were hookers and avoided their advances.
We continued walking and walking. One mile turned into two. The stagnant heat of the night was really taking its toll on all of us. We walked through several major intersections with no luck. Eventually we came to the site of a car crash and witnessed what were the beginnings of fist fight. Of course this would be when a cab finally stopped for us. We finally had our ride back to the hotel. The cab took a long route but eventually we made it back safely and affordably. Most of us fell asleep in the cab for periods of time. It was shortly after midnight by the time we tucked into bed. It was fun evening that capped off a very official and professional day.
Day V – Thursday, August 13, 2009
Thursday was my first big day of actual professional obligation. Mark was done for the conference at this point. We got up at six o’clock, as per tradition and got ready to rock. I donned my fancy new suit that I bought especially for the trip. I assumed that I looked great in it. We went for our usual breakfast buffet around seven. The only difference was that I had to lug around the big poster carrying case now. Mark and I discussed what talks would be good for him to attend. I myself was only going to one. It was the talk of Steve Shnebly, who donated material for my project. I wanted to personally meet him and let him know how my work was going. I stocked up on tissues as my cold was deepening. After eating we headed out for the conference. Mark stopped off at the Canadian booth and I erected my poster. Most people on this day put up their poster then bailed. I was the only one there that actually stood by mine. There were five hundred spots for posters and by my count there were only 48.5% of the spots with actual posters in them. I had spare time to count them up as there were no people coming to see the posters either. This was a poorly run part of the conference and if asked for feedback I would surely let them know about it.
After almost an hour of mind-numbing boredom it was time to head off to the Shnebly talk. I walked in, fully suited, and marched right to the front and introduced myself. He was happy to see me and impressed with how the work was going. We discussed his material and some results that he wasn’t happy with. I sat down to enjoy his talk which was going to feature the two lines that he had provided me. He had asked if it was alright if he recognized me and mentioned my research as well as my poster. I naturally agreed. So he went on with the talk and paused to give me a shout out in the middle in front of the fifty or so members of the audience. It was pretty cool. I returned to my poster to find that there was a sprinkling of people perusing though and taking notes. I had a series of visitors at this point that stopped to talk in blocks of a half an hour. After lunch there was a tour that was organized by the conference to many of the Chinese agricultural government buildings. We found out too late that this tour had to be pre-registered for. So the afternoon was basically free for us. I decided to go talk to the other Canadians at their booth and discuss lunch. Michelle talked me into going with them for Western-y food. As we were leaving I was stopped by an older man who was inquiring if I had spoken at the conference. I told him that I had only presented a paper and he asked if I was Canadian. I confirmed his suspicions and he countered by asking if I would be available to be interviewed for an Argentinean television special. I agreed and we headed for a large exhibit. Once inside I was prepped and we conducted the interview. At first I was fairly stumbly and awkward but I eventually picked up steam. The interviewer and the crew thanked me and I walked back to where Michelle was standing. I explained what went on and she wanted to attempt to get a copy of the footage. So we went back over and had a word with them. I told the old guy who she was then he wanted to interview her too. She was reluctant but I made it happen. It was pretty funny and fun all at the same time. Her talk was much longer and more involved than mine. Afterwards we walked back to the Canadian booth giggling and told our story to the others. I have to assume it was all made possible by my sweet suit.
We went for lunch at a Brazilian steak house in their hotel. But everyone wanted classic room service food so they requested that menu instead. This broke my heart; I hoped I would get another chance later. I went with a Chinese Club Sandwich, well at least their version. One level was a fried egg and ground chicken with a traditional BLT on the other. It was good. We made plans to walk to the Olympic park, which was just down the way, for the afternoon. I retreated to Dragon Mountain to change. When I got back over there I discovered that they had located MacDuff, Alison, and Sheila to join the tour. Together we all walked over and toured the facilities. We actually got into the Bird’s next which cost us. It was pretty impressive as stadiums go but the lack of maintenance and use was beginning to show. There was an impromptu photo shoot near the front; hopefully the photos will become available at some point. The heat was very imposing and really slowed our progress once we got back outside. After several unsuccessful attempts at leaving we eventually discovered an exit and went to look at the Water Cube. The walk across the gaping Olympic walkway was hilarious. I think I was running low on energy and fluid and started to act foolish, the pictures relay that fact. We got split up from half the group and decided to buy popsicles to survive. After waiting around looking for the others we decided it was probably time to leave. At that moment we saw them and were re-united. The groups were re-organized and some looked around more while I and the others headed back to the relief of conditioned air. I got back to room and showered and napped briefly before we were supposed to meet for dinner.
Dinner on this night was a massive Canadian group affair. The whole lot of us, some twenty eight in total, all met up and walked to a nearby restaurant to sample the infamous Peking duck. The place we went was supposed to specialize in it and was hand picked by a member of our group that was born in Beijing. It was an amazing experience. We all mixed together so we could meet new people in the group. The same order was made for each table. I got a real eye opening experience at this meal to how the Chinese feast. The round spinning platform is in the middle of the table and slowly it is covered in dishes. At any one time there could ten to twelve different choices to be made. You are given a small plate so there is a high turnover of food on it. The chop sticks gave me some trouble but that could be blamed on the beer. We feasted for almost two hours then settled up the bill and went for a walk looking for a silk store that came highly recommended. When we found the place we found it closed for the night and decided to get ice cream from McDonald’s instead. It was good, obviously unhealthier than in North America though. We lost a few members of the group in the process but headed back to the hotels around ten o’clock. Mark and I had the beginnings of a shine on and decided to stop to ask a question at the front desk. It was a good thing we did because all of a sudden Alison and Sheila walked in. It was a fortunate turn of events. They came up for drinks and entertainment. This night it consisted of internet videos that we could access. China is very strict on their censorship, especially Western websites. We had many laughs and the notorious Pigman even stopped in on us. Mark polished off his entire bottle of Karl Marx champagne and the rest of us enjoyed a couple of beers. They left around midnight as we were all exhausted. Mark and I did not last much longer after their departure. I was half done both my time in China and my professional responsibility at this point. It was a good feeling as the emails from home were getting more and more important to me.
Day VI – Friday August 14, 2009
The later night on Thursday pushed back the start of Friday. We slept in all the way to half past six again. I got ready for a day of conferencing and Mark prepared for a tour. I donned my second suit. The heat of China in the summer does not make wearing suits easy so I had to suck it up and take one for the team. After our preparations for the day we headed down to the usual spot for breakfast around eight. Mark had to leave earlier than I so he left rather hurriedly. I casually finished breaking my fast and then had a quiet walk to the poster area. I was there before nine. There was no one around. I was the lone soul in the large poster room and I was beginning to think that my time could be better spent hearing talks than fielding non-existent questions. I was able to check my email and other internet interests while keeping an eye on my poster so I did just that. The loneliness went on all morning and I paced and went for water, etc to pass the time. Eventually I found myself at the Canadian booth and plans were made to go shopping at a market in the afternoon. I was excited as I had heard about the markets. There were no set prices, you had to haggle and scheme against each merchant in a battle of wits and wills to see who could outlast the other. I was supremely confident that I would not be taken.
With my afternoon set, I planned to remove my poster at eleven. This was the time they were to be removed. I executed that plan flawlessly and returned to the hotel to change into more appropriate clothes. With my prized suits safely stowed I went for lunch at the conference. I was able to sit with a couple of American professors and ended up having a great talk about the differences and similarities between our two great nations. After eating I excused myself and headed back for the Canadian booth. The plan was that I was to meet them there, help pack it up, and then go. I guess they had gotten anxious and started early, for when I arrived, it was all packed up and there was nobody around. I waited for a couple of minutes and then decided to return to Dragon Mountain. By chance I ran into the CSC people and my afternoon was back on. We had to wait around for everyone to go change before we headed for the Yu-Chow Clothing market. I had been picking up cheap souvenirs for people as I came across them but I saw this as a big chance to really get some good stuff for all the people that I was planning on buying for. A short but terrifying cab ride got us there. It was more than I could have imagined. I cannot do it justice with simple written word. If you really want to know what it was like you need to talk to me directly and look at the photos I took.
I can speak of the events that transpired though, that I can do. Everyone went their own way after we had established a time when we were going to meet to return to the hotels. M2 and I decided to find some precious jewels for friends and family. We stopped at one booth and the girl spoke great English and was very fun to deal with. After much humming and hawing, we settled on our wares. Michelle bought several necklaces and earring sets for her mother and grandmother, as well as one for herself that I told her she had to have. I got a jade necklace made for Danielle, a string of pearls for my mother, with earrings, and a string of black onyx with earrings for Megan. We kept walking and I saw jade carvings that put me in mind of all the ones we saw at the jade factory on Monday. The ones I could not afford. Here they were much cheaper and could be cheaper still if I stuck with it. I decided to get an elephant. I weaseled the price down for awhile and when I was tired of it I paid. After walking the rest of the floor I stopped to go over my treasures. Examining the jade carving I noticed that the trunk had appeared to have been broken off and re-attached. Not good enough China. I went back to the merchant and tried a simple swap but she did not have any of the same size. So I tried a trade with cash to get that one and she was being ridiculous. I was perturbed at this point and asked for my original money back, saying I would go elsewhere. She laughed at me and walked away. They can be quite greasy at times.
We continued walking and saw some pretty neat stuff, highlighted by a small girl that painted wonderful scenes from memory using only her fingernails and palms. It was really cool; she claimed to be the best in all of China so we walked. We went down a floor to the silk floor. I picked up some fun ties for the boys. I felt I had spent enough and decided not to spend anymore that day. Michelle was growing weary of the hustle and bustle and it was nearly time to go. We came across Linda, a woman in our party, who was done shopping as well. They decided that we should get iced cream. Conveniently there was a Cold Stone Creamery next door and we went there for a great treat, free for me. It was a good first market experience for me. We went back and found everyone else and loaded into a cab and headed back to our hotels. I got back around 4:30pm after stopping at the grocery store for some drinks. Macduff was not there but I saw that he had been back and had bought a good amount of beer. I decided to lie down and write in the journal that would evolve into what you are reading right now. Eventually Mark came back to change and we caught up on our days and prepared for the dinner that night.
Friday was Beijing night at the conference. Unlike the opening gathering, this one was held indoors, although the difference in temperature was negligible. We arrived a bit late which was exacerbated by us going to several incorrect entrances to the hall. Buffets were set up everywhere but there was no where to eat. You had to stand with your plate and eat. This made it hard to hold a drink and eat. I was resourceful enough to get by. Then I started to drink. They would only serve us beer in wine glasses. Basically, there were only three ounces per glass. This made for many trips back and forth. Because I could carry four glasses at once with my big mitts, I was often the one making the trip. It wasn’t long before I started to get a mild buzz. This was the point that they shut it down though. The whole time this was going on, there was a series of small shows on stage. They were trying to show off their culture in ten minute performances. It was too hot and disorganized for me to really get the full effect. Some parts where better than others. Most of the show just confused and concerned me. The finale was all the dancers coming back on stage and having a makeshift rave. Some of the dignitaries were pulled up on stage at this point, Gary among them. They were forced to dance and carry on uncomfortably. It was a barrel of laughs for us to see Gary up there, “shakin’ it”. This portion slowly lost steam and that concluded the event.
It seemed like the end couldn’t come soon enough for Mark and I. We gathered a small force of Canadians and headed for the supermarket to stock up. Everyone headed straight for Dragon Mountain. Even Gary came with us. We hosted most of the group in our room. Many beers were drunk, music was put on then eventually sung to. It was a really good little party that we had. Everyone drinking got a pretty good shine on. Gary had me running for beers for him every few minutes. Eventually we got through them all and even the ones that we had been avoiding. The non-drinkers left first, then the people with things to do the next day. Eventually it was just the real partiers. Some people started to pass out and that was our signal that it was time to call it a night. This one was our latest of the trip but it worked out as most of us had already acclimatized to the time difference by this point. Alison and Sheila were once again the last to leave around 1:30am. Mark and I tidied up a bit then hit the hay ourselves. It was a great night to cap off an overall fun day.
Day VII – Saturday, August 15, 2009
The latest night in China led to the longest sleep in. I did not rise until well after 8. Breakfast only lasted until nine so I decided to skip it. Instead I ate some food that was in the room. Mark had already left on the tour that he had arranged in lieu of the Tuesday tour. There were no talks at the conference this day, only the closing ceremonies late in the day. I took the time to get ready for the day then packed up all my stuff and got everything ready to depart the next day. After this I just lied down, wrote some more then watched HBO. It was very refreshing. I got very well hydrated from the drinks I had purchased previous and decided would not be thrown out. I had a ticket to go for lunch at the hot pot but again chanced upon Michelle and Linda on my way there. They talked me into going with them to the cafeteria place to try the “hot pot”. I think the restaurant was called Xiabu Xiabu if you are ever there. It was a new concept for me. You order each part of your meal but then you have to prepare it. They provide you with an element, in the middle of your table, a large saucepan with a divider in the middle, and a soup base. Then you customize what vegetables and meats you would like. We chose shrimp and prime beef for the meats because we did not know how much of each we needed. We got two plates of vegetables and a big knot of noodles. You also order a flavour base which you dip everything in, we chose miso. It was a hoot to cook it all up and eat it. It was warm being near a boiling pot but I loved it. Again this was covered by the superior soybean people, I forget which.
After lunch we decided to explore a bit. I still had some gifts to buy for some key people and I recalled several shops on our way to the Peking duck restaurant. I wanted to check out a massive supermarket that was sure to hold some treasures and trinkets. We circled the block and saw some wild sights that are included in the pictures. Once we got to the corner and turned we realized we had stumbled into a weirdly organized residential area. We felt lost but I knew what was going on. We walked through a maze of buildings and hovels until we saw the main street again. Some shops along the way proved useless to me. The ladies headed back to the hotels and I was left to explore that supermarket. I found a great tea set for Grandma and some other small Chinese products for everyone else. These gifts were not what I was looking for but I felt that they would do the trick in a pinch. The pinch was that I had not had time to get proper gifts. Either that or I was too cheap to get nice stuff when I was presented with the opportunity. All in all, the gifts were not what I was looking to give.
After the adventure I headed back into the confines of the luxurious Dragon Mountain. Mark had returned by this point and he and I settled in to watch a film, Starter for 10. It was a compelling movie, so compelling in fact, that we were late for the closing ceremonies because we hung on to see its conclusion. The ceremony itself was very dramatic. There was a video that we seemed to be all over. Gary certainly was the star of it. He passed the torch over to the next chairman and his acceptance speech was the end of the conference. With a cheer we returned to our lair at Dragon Mountain one more time. After a short lounge we scuttled back to the Crowne Plaza to meet up with the group as previously arranged. We walked to a nearby restaurant called the Yellow Stone. It was catered to Westerners. Gary told us to go nuts and that he would pay. He was in a fun mood. I had a very good, yet affordable pasta meal. It was quite tasty and far better than I was used to. Mark had one of the specials, a saffron, black truffle shrimp risotto. He did not know what any of it meant but I explained it to him and he liked it, hard. Gary bought a few bottles of wine and then some tea. As it turned out the tea was worth more than his entire meal. The Chinese love their tea. Between courses Gary asked me to take him shopping the next morning as he had not had time due to his conference duties. I agreed and realized I could get better gifts for everyone I had bought for that day. The meal dragged on for several hours and at its conclusion everyone decided to shut it down. Mark and I had a couple of beers and then turned in for the night.
Day VIII – Sunday August 16, 2009
Before heading to the airport we had to spend just one more morning the Chinese capital. For some strange reason I awoke at 5:20am. Which conveniently was the exact time that Mark had to be up to rendez-vous with the others to continue on the post conference tour which I had opted out of. I would later find out that I made the better choice on that one. This according to MacDuff anyways. Back on point though; I got up to see if Mark had managed to leave and/or say bon voyage to him. I looked into his room to see him fast asleep. I double checked the time and then yelled at him to get up. He was shocked that he had slept in. We scrambled around to get all his stuff together and to get him on his way. It was a rushed moment of panic when we could not find his passport. Eventually he got everything and ran off about ten minutes after he was supposed to be there. He would later tell me that he made it and it all worked out just fine. The whole experience was eerily like the movie Home Alone.
I had a hard time getting back to sleep because of the adrenaline but I eventually faded off to sleep. I woke up, showered and dressed then packed up my stuff. I went over the whole room with a fine toothed comb. Once I had everything set up to leave I went down for my last free buffet breakfast. It was no better and no worse than any of the other days. After eating I gathered all my stuff and with a backward glance, a very sad backward glance I shut the door on Dragon Mountain for the very last time. I went across to the Crowne Plaza to meet up with Gary to go shopping for a few hours. While he was checking out there was a wedding happening in the lobby. They fired off fireworks just outside the door and filled the lobby with smoke.
Michelle met up with us as planned the previous night and we departed for the pearl market. It was very much like the clothing market. We first haggled over some jewelery. I managed to get Courtney a great pair of jade earrings and a few more strings of pearls with matching earrings. The prices seemed to be much more reasonable, either that or we were dealing with a less skilled merchant. We moved on and looked at leather goods and then shirts. Gary bought a couple after a hard bargain. On the way out of that area is when the incident occurred. I foolishly tried on a coat just to see if they could accommodate a man of my stature. They assumed I was interested. I told them I was not and they started peddling their goods really hard. They wanted me to get these two great looking Tommy Bahama Hawaiian 100% silk shirts. The price tag said $110 USD. I thought I could get a great deal. They were coming in two high on their side because they thought I wanted the too tight coat too. I got the coat out of the deal and tried for one shirt. Gary and Michelle had continued on and I feared I would lose them. I had to work fast and she knew I was pressed for time and took advantage of that. Things were getting to the point that I just did not want to participate anymore. The shirt was not worth the trouble I was going for. I tried to tell her that I no longer wanted the shirt and had to join my friends. She took this as me trying a new bargaining ploy and battled back even harder. I tried to set down the shirt but she would not let me. I could see Gary and M2 getting even farther away. My next move was to try and step past her and leave the shirt. She would not let me pass. I pushed harder. She still would not move. I was getting close to shoving her to get by when something in her face cracked. Her eyes welled up with tears and she told me I won. She sold me the shirt for one hundred RMB. I was upset and frustrated and just threw the money at her and she threw the shirt in the bag and slammed in into my chest. We both walked away angry but Big T now had a great gift.
I quickly caught up to the others around the next corner. I was able to quickly grab a billfold as well. We headed down to another floor and started sorting through the loads of hand made goods. Gary and Michelle got stuff but I had spent enough and remained shaken by the previous exchange. After skipping through the electronics section I found some lighters that caught my eye. I bought a few of them for a great price. The guy was a pleasure to deal with and even filled them all up for me. My last purchase was a positive one at least. Once we had finished our shopping we loaded back into a cab and went back to the hotel to drop off Michelle. We all decided to have a bite to eat before we left. We were joined by a former Guelph soybean breeder for lunch. We ate at the lobby restaurant and I ordered the same thing as the previous time. Once again missing out on the Rodizio aspect of the enclosure. After paying our debt we loaded into another cab for the long ride to the airport. The ride was uneventful, so much so that I managed to pass out for most of it. I was still feeling the fatigue of the early morning which played into my favour for sleeping on the plane. We were well ahead of schedule for our flight which was leaving on time with great weather. I read my book while Gary enjoyed the executive lounge.
The whole flight thing went so smoothly that it hardly seems worth mentioning. We lined up, got on the plane, got settled and took off. The only hiccup was that I got stopped in security for having a lighter in my coat. I had forgotten it was there. It was not a problem on the flight over as the coat was in my checked bag but reshuffling due to the gifts put it in my carry-on. Once on the plane I managed to strike up a conversation with an attractive woman beside me. We talked for an hour or so about our trips and experiences before I decided I had had enough of her free spiritedness. She was nice; do not get me wrong, but the emotional topics she was covering were not what I wanted to hear. We both started watching the in flight entertainment. I do not recall what I watched as I was in and out of consciousness for most of the flight. It was perfect; I slept for at least seven of the thirteen hours. This made the flight seem to fly by, excuse the pun. The food was notably worse on the way back. The West doing Asian was far better than the Asians doing the West. I drank more on the way back with more bathroom visits. The cougar lady was always out of her seat so it made things much easier for me to get around the plane. I was getting uncomfortable by the end and was starting to cramp up. I watched carefully on the flight path map as we got close to Toronto. We landed gently and de-boarded quickly. I found Gary and we headed for baggage claim. The belt malfunctioned twice and my bag was one of the last ones and the posters did not surface. We eventually found them in a side room. It was a breeze getting through customs although it was not without its gut tightening moments as all experiences of that nature.
We found the car quickly and headed west. Construction slowed us down a great deal but eventually I made it to the pick-up point. There was some confusion but Derek managed to locate me and take me home. It was weird to be home after the long flight. I showcased my purchases and gave the boys their gifts. They were pleased. I talked for an hour or so to them about the trip and then decided to head to bed. I could not sleep due to the time change and jet lag effects. It took a few days to get back on my feet physically.
Final Word
Overall it was a great experience I would recommend it to anyone. Do not ask me to go with you though. I do not have the time, money, or knowledge to make it happen. I would be a lousy tour guide and I learned almost no Chinese. I did learn a good deal about the culture and way of life of the people though. It really made me think differently about the people I see in my day to day travels. I was very glad and thankful to have had the opportunity.